Thursday, March 10, 2011

Chief among sinners? nah...

Growing up I remember saying these words that I was the chief among sinners...and I never believed it.

I remember thinking that I should believe it, that someday I might believe it, maybe if I did something really bad...then I'd believe it. But I just didn't really believe it.

I realized tonight I still don't but I'm starting to understand why.

I see the world and myself through my own twisted viewpoint. I don't see all of my sins. When my husband tells me what they are I think of a reason to justify them. We go round and round and I refuse to see. My mind is made up, I can do no wrong. Then, when/if I see it I won't acknowledge it, I won't give him the satisfaction of saying, "your right, I'm sorry." Boy oh boy, I would not want to be married to me.

My head has been in a bad place today. Clean week will do that to a person...ha! to ME. No, let me try again. I act like a bitch in my head and to my family because I want to be miserable and them with me. That's better, well you know what I mean. It's not better, but more truthful.

There are many things going on right now in life that are getting me down, that's normal (especially in Lent). The way I respond to it all, however, is a test. How will I do? I guess that part is up to me.

Country Jane, Chief among sinners


Linda said...

I have a similar dialog about sin going round in my head as if I am exempt from things. But I am trying to come terms with sin in general, one of those things Imhave always grappled with.
I hope things get better for you! I love Lent. It makes me feel much more tender towards things in general, including myself.

Country Jane said...

I like the way you put that about Lent. I feel like it comes up and kicks me in the stomach each year. I don't mentally prepare I just wait for it to hit and deal with it then. I don't even food shop before hand. It's always good, though. I'm always glad for it and after Pascha I always wish I could keep up the spiritual side of things.

Linda said...

Its a very long story but I nearly died one Lent season. I had a complicated pregnancy and wasn't going to make it. Started getting sick during early Lent and gave birth on Palm Sunday then spent the next week basically struggling to survive. Then the next year, my we nearly lost my dad in the same season. That really changes a persons perspective. Yes, being prepared is important if this dietary change is drastic to the way you usually eat. Keep your chin up!

Country Jane said...

It's better today, I can see tomorrow just around the corner and will get to rest and have a glass of wine. :) It's not so different as I've been trying to make more beans, lentils, etc especially on Wed & Fri and because of cost to feed the family is much less.

I'm sorry that you almost died. I think times like that are a gift from God. It gives us the opportunity to turn to Him and rely on Him for our comfort. It does not mean that it's easy!