Growing up I remember saying these words that I was the chief among sinners...and I never believed it.
I remember thinking that I should believe it, that someday I might believe it, maybe if I did something really bad...then I'd believe it. But I just didn't really believe it.
I realized tonight I still don't but I'm starting to understand why.
I see the world and myself through my own twisted viewpoint. I don't see all of my sins. When my husband tells me what they are I think of a reason to justify them. We go round and round and I refuse to see. My mind is made up, I can do no wrong. Then, when/if I see it I won't acknowledge it, I won't give him the satisfaction of saying, "your right, I'm sorry." Boy oh boy, I would not want to be married to me.
My head has been in a bad place today. Clean week will do that to a person...ha! to ME. No, let me try again. I act like a bitch in my head and to my family because I want to be miserable and them with me. That's better, well you know what I mean. It's not better, but more truthful.
There are many things going on right now in life that are getting me down, that's normal (especially in Lent). The way I respond to it all, however, is a test. How will I do? I guess that part is up to me.
Country Jane, Chief among sinners